I have stopped checking caller ID. The phone rings and I immediately pick it up to talk. I really want to have a conversation with someone; hear a voice. Have I become that elderly woman who yearns to talk and hear any one's voice that they start ordering from those sales calls? OK maybe its not that bad. It is not that I don't have plenty of contact with people but it is all about text messages and email and yes we keep up by Facebook. Now those who know me acknowledge that there is no one who likes her gadgets and technology more than I do; and maybe it is a real sign that I am saying the good old land line has its place.
A widow I know who just got engaged to be married told me you will know you have met the right person when you can't get off the phone. When you just want to keep talking. I guess that means the first step is meeting someone who is still makes phone calls. You meet online in catalog dating. Picture shopping. Then you email a bit and even set up your first meeting over email. Texting and emailing like 15 year olds. Even sending an email, "thanks but I don't think this is going anywhere" . How juvenile. So I am making more lunch dates and breakfasts and doing my best to see my friends. And while some are getting rid of their land lines I will try and use mine reach out and touch my friends.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Dates and Dating
It has been an incredibly busy time. But I always make sure my life is that way. It is difficult to let your real feelings creep in and affect you when you are so busy you can barely think. So staying busy has been one thing I do very well. Once I decided that I was going to start to "date" I did it will full force and precision. I got excellent professional pictures done. I went on an internet dating site and was going to find that golfer to fill the void. Not to replace Michael or what we had but to fill the emptiness and TV filled evenings. Indeed it was a full time job practically; answering emails, chatting and interviewing on the telephone. A wine date or coffee date? The second or third date has to be on the golf course. The thick skin I developed wasn't thick enough and there was still hurt again. But just opening yourself up to someone...well of course there is hurt.
I filled my time with golf and golf team, Hadassah and looking at real estate. I took a second cruise through the Panama Canal. I had my kids home for the Jewish holidays and everyone was together... then it was springtime. It was then that the Dates and Dating collided. New tears and new sadness emerged like the leaves...what gives here. Shoot I thought I had a good handle on all this..Was is it just spring and the upcoming graduation of my son Casey without his Dad, or another wedding anniversary or just the fact that coming up onto two years since I became a widow and my children have lost their Dad things really aren't any easier. OK maybe I have my routine; but what was novel and different has become tiring and lonely. The part that began with I can be strong and do this on my own has turned to much self doubt. Am I making the right decision? What would Michael have done here? Dates like opening day of baseball season and tax day hit harder this year than last. I remember many people telling me how the second year could be worse than the first. Definitely not what you want to hear as you struggle with your grief the first year. Are these dates worse? Well let's say they are not as easy as I thought they would be now. Does my dating make the dates worse... is that survivors guilt I am having make my dating harder? Is it that dating makes my grief worse as I get close to these anniversary dates? Yes probably all of these things. I have allowed myself to cry more; like I ever stopped...well I did stop for awhile but sure I always allowed myself to feel those things. I just was surprised and didn't quite understand how profound these feeling would be now.
Dates aren't always just sad reminders of the things we suffered through. They are also the reminders of the good things, birthdays, graduations, holidays together at home and yes, dates are also an occasion to meet someone new. To make new friends and work at continuing to move forward. I need to continue to build that new life...a day, a date at a time.
I filled my time with golf and golf team, Hadassah and looking at real estate. I took a second cruise through the Panama Canal. I had my kids home for the Jewish holidays and everyone was together... then it was springtime. It was then that the Dates and Dating collided. New tears and new sadness emerged like the leaves...what gives here. Shoot I thought I had a good handle on all this..Was is it just spring and the upcoming graduation of my son Casey without his Dad, or another wedding anniversary or just the fact that coming up onto two years since I became a widow and my children have lost their Dad things really aren't any easier. OK maybe I have my routine; but what was novel and different has become tiring and lonely. The part that began with I can be strong and do this on my own has turned to much self doubt. Am I making the right decision? What would Michael have done here? Dates like opening day of baseball season and tax day hit harder this year than last. I remember many people telling me how the second year could be worse than the first. Definitely not what you want to hear as you struggle with your grief the first year. Are these dates worse? Well let's say they are not as easy as I thought they would be now. Does my dating make the dates worse... is that survivors guilt I am having make my dating harder? Is it that dating makes my grief worse as I get close to these anniversary dates? Yes probably all of these things. I have allowed myself to cry more; like I ever stopped...well I did stop for awhile but sure I always allowed myself to feel those things. I just was surprised and didn't quite understand how profound these feeling would be now.
Dates aren't always just sad reminders of the things we suffered through. They are also the reminders of the good things, birthdays, graduations, holidays together at home and yes, dates are also an occasion to meet someone new. To make new friends and work at continuing to move forward. I need to continue to build that new life...a day, a date at a time.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Girlfriends and New Friends
At the end of a golf trip to Palm Springs with girlfriends …women I had never really traveled with before I was realizing the phases we go through in life and how each of them seem to be defined by a stage and each in turn seems to have friends associated with them. Sure I know people whose friends have been a constant; they seem to be the ones who grew up and still live in the same place. But if you have gone through a lot of changes as I have well the landscape has changed and so have the friends. For awhile in the last year…being a widow I was truly saddened that so many people who at one time meant a lot to me were no longer more a big part of my life. Various reasons I guess and I think fault can be placed with all parties. But there were those single friends and college friends and then everything changed when you had children. There were the couples who also had kids the same age. It was great to do things together, we were at the same parties, school events and those friends became family and often for those of us in Los Angeles without family around it was our friends we called upon when there was an emergency or problem. You knew who you could turn to. Our kids grew and sometimes the kids grew apart as friends but we as parents still liked to play together. Then there were business friends. Couples you saw because of business but you enjoyed and had dinners and went to concerts together. These friends may not have had children the same age but there were other commonalties. So going into this second year of widowhood, I look at this phase of my life; my children independent and gone from home. I am grateful for the couples that have been there for me throughout all my phases and this most challenging time I am playing golf more and not working now; finding single friends and people who have the freedom to do the things I am doing now. I have a few other friends who are widows and single and it helps to discuss the challenges we face. But none of us are really that alike in situation each is different. So I look now at who my friends are…who I am telling my secrets to and it is very different. My life is very different, more so than I ever could have imagined. So too are my friends now and as I move to the next step, dating and thinking about bringing someone else into my life I am constantly surprised by it all. It is indeed something that takes attention and effort.
Friday, January 16, 2009
A New Year
It is hard to believe it is now 2009. The weeks have flown. At times I feel like I am moving forward and then something stops me and it is a little step backwards. I took an amazing cruise from Barcelona to Lisbon. It was the prefect way to travel alone and I think made giant steps forward. There was always something happening, cocktail parties and wine tastings and exciting excursions ashore. I made wonderful new friends, played great golf in wonderful exotic places. I spent two amazing days in Lisbon with wonderful friends I met on the cruise ship. I truly took big steps towards coming out of myself. Spending an evening or two on the arm of a gentlemen got me to thinking that maybe I do want to find someone to spend time with...yes I can take care of myself but weekends can get mighty lonely. So this led to the next step of a date. No in order to get a date you have to put yourself out there. Not like at my age it is easy to meet people. So there was the profile and picture and then email exchanges. Then phone conversations and then the feeling you were 15 again. Would I know what to say? Would I know what to ask? Do I even know what I am looking for in a man? After being with one man for over 25 years it seems hard to even consider another. You look at the photos and the answers to the questions..wait where did they get that picture? What made them think that was the one to post. Who are these guys? It is all a little scary and then gives you a little confidence boost. I am independent and secure. Someone is interested in you. I guess I thought at my age all the men where looking for younger women. So I try a few coffee or wine dates. Some make it to another and then maybe golf. It's brutal in some ways. Either they like you and and you don't or you like them and they don't...see like high school again and you have to develop a thick skin. Don't get your hopes up and don't get disappointed.
Maybe it is not about dating or finding a man to spend time with, maybe it is about figuring out what I am going to do to fill the days and weekends. The beginning of 2009. I had a nice trip to Cancun with the kids. The holidays were harder than I expected.Thought I was stronger, thought I was ready but I was not. Not prepared for the hole and the happy families all around me. We are a happy family just have to get used to being just the 4 of us. So as 2009 continues a new President. A new cruise..a trip to Costa Rica and the Panama Canal. And maybe a few more dates.
Maybe it is not about dating or finding a man to spend time with, maybe it is about figuring out what I am going to do to fill the days and weekends. The beginning of 2009. I had a nice trip to Cancun with the kids. The holidays were harder than I expected.Thought I was stronger, thought I was ready but I was not. Not prepared for the hole and the happy families all around me. We are a happy family just have to get used to being just the 4 of us. So as 2009 continues a new President. A new cruise..a trip to Costa Rica and the Panama Canal. And maybe a few more dates.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
The Rain in Spain
Finally I am seated in the nose section of a 747, there are just 12 seats maybe in KLM Business World they call it. There are more seats in the 747 upstairs section but I am downstairs right in the nose and it is very cozy and space age. The moment of departure had finally arrived…we were given champagne and I got teary. Was it why I was going, the circumstances, would this have been the trip we would have gone on with Marissa safely at college and both of us now empty nesters? I notice the couples across from me. (It will turn out they too are going to Barcelona and to the same ship) I am surprised at how this bothers me, not that it bothers me but that it still is there, this noticing all the couples and the sadness it brings on in me. I keep thinking I have past it but no. I make a promise to myself to get over it. At least for now, one of the reasons for this trip is to grow into this role of being one and lamenting that I am no longer part of a couple is not going to get me anywhere. Ok so maybe it will be harder than I thought, a challenge I think I am ready to try, oh what a place to start.
I arrived in Barcelona Tuesday, October 28 in a downpour. I was met at the airport by Cruise Line reps and a handsome driver took me to the Majestic Hotel in the Center of Barcelona. I was pushing my body clock and able to stay awake until almost 9pm. Not before having my first glass of Cava (tapas tonight) Then after watching BBC interview some college students in Pennsylvania about the election (I can’t stay away from it)So much on the BBC about the American Election..history in the making they say. I fell asleep to the pounding rain.
Wednesday, the 29th I took a half day tour of Barcelona with other guests of Fine Wine Voyages. The rain and the cold have put quite a damper but I was glad to be on a nice warm bus than the open tourist buses so many had recommended. Everyone says the weather was just beautiful yesterday but then the sky opened up. We got off at a number of locations and toured the big cathedral, the Olympic village and stadiums and even got to the old synagogue being restored. The three hour tour gave quite a good overview of the city and the guide was very good and full of historical knowledge and taught us much about the customs of Spain. Dropped back at the hotel in the early afternoon the weather has put a damper on my exploring too much on foot this afternoon. I am regrouping and warming up hoping to catch a cab over to the Casa Décor Interior Design show where a new acquaintance’s sister is showing. Tomorrow at noon I head to the cruise ship Crystal Serenity.
I arrived in Barcelona Tuesday, October 28 in a downpour. I was met at the airport by Cruise Line reps and a handsome driver took me to the Majestic Hotel in the Center of Barcelona. I was pushing my body clock and able to stay awake until almost 9pm. Not before having my first glass of Cava (tapas tonight) Then after watching BBC interview some college students in Pennsylvania about the election (I can’t stay away from it)So much on the BBC about the American Election..history in the making they say. I fell asleep to the pounding rain.
Wednesday, the 29th I took a half day tour of Barcelona with other guests of Fine Wine Voyages. The rain and the cold have put quite a damper but I was glad to be on a nice warm bus than the open tourist buses so many had recommended. Everyone says the weather was just beautiful yesterday but then the sky opened up. We got off at a number of locations and toured the big cathedral, the Olympic village and stadiums and even got to the old synagogue being restored. The three hour tour gave quite a good overview of the city and the guide was very good and full of historical knowledge and taught us much about the customs of Spain. Dropped back at the hotel in the early afternoon the weather has put a damper on my exploring too much on foot this afternoon. I am regrouping and warming up hoping to catch a cab over to the Casa Décor Interior Design show where a new acquaintance’s sister is showing. Tomorrow at noon I head to the cruise ship Crystal Serenity.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
New York, Colorado...on to Spain
Ok so this time I didn't even fully unpack...Olean had the most stunning fall colors I have ever remembered seeing. Vivid reds and yellows and golds everywhere and unseasonably warm temperatures made for a beautiful few days in Upstate New York. I forgot how beautiful fall in the East could be...but don't worry I remember how bad winter can be too. Small town restaurants and family dinners for 30. It was great seeing everyone. I even got to do a ride along in a police car with my brother in law as he patrolled Allegany one night. The local college kids were gone for the weekend so the most interesting action was deer crossing. But it was cool and Tim is always great to discuss the status of life. After a early morning drive back to Buffalo in a driving rain storm...you know when we go 6 months in LA without rain you can forget how it is to drive in the stuff...it was off to Boulder, Colorado to see Marissa for parents weekend. Marissa was at her new Sorority house so I got a tour and met her "big sister". I never was involved with anything like sororities or even the right clique so I have little advice here but she seems very excited about the whole thing. The house is beautiful and everyone seems very nice. We picked up where we left off with shopping and a run to Target for snacks. We got to enjoy a great dinner with the Collins family and daughter Allison who is a sophomore at Boulder, I hadn't seen them since Michael died and Marissa had gotten lots of advice from Allison. Then of course my second college football game this time the home team won. It was a beautiful evening and great to see Marissa settling into college and her new friends. She has a wonderful roommate and truly likes Boulder and at the same time has learned to appreciate some of the comforts she left behind. It is good I think to leave and to learn to value what is here at home.
But now I am sitting here typing when I should be packing. I am about to undertake the biggest journey I have attempted in the last 16 months of being a widow. I have extended myself and tested myself. But this this is out there , I leave on Monday the 27th for Barcelona...I will spend two nights there and then board the ship Crystal Serenity..by myself. Truly an indulgence, a test, an adventure. I go from shear excitement to nervousness to feeling guilty. I bought a journal with the cover "Love who you are" Well here is to figuring out a little of who I am..or how about just relaxing, drinking, eating and oh, yes playing golf on some of the most amazing Spanish golf courses. I will be cruising for 11 days including Casablanca (on election day..I already voted) and the Canary Islands. I end up in Lisbon on the 11th of November and return to Los Angels on the 13th. I will plan to write about my trip. I really do not know what to expect on my very first cruise, my coming out of sorts. I have gotten lots of advice let's see what happens. Stay tuned
But now I am sitting here typing when I should be packing. I am about to undertake the biggest journey I have attempted in the last 16 months of being a widow. I have extended myself and tested myself. But this this is out there , I leave on Monday the 27th for Barcelona...I will spend two nights there and then board the ship Crystal Serenity..by myself. Truly an indulgence, a test, an adventure. I go from shear excitement to nervousness to feeling guilty. I bought a journal with the cover "Love who you are" Well here is to figuring out a little of who I am..or how about just relaxing, drinking, eating and oh, yes playing golf on some of the most amazing Spanish golf courses. I will be cruising for 11 days including Casablanca (on election day..I already voted) and the Canary Islands. I end up in Lisbon on the 11th of November and return to Los Angels on the 13th. I will plan to write about my trip. I really do not know what to expect on my very first cruise, my coming out of sorts. I have gotten lots of advice let's see what happens. Stay tuned
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Travel Notes
Time to document some of the constant traveling I have been doing. It has been a great diversion and quite productive too. Whether it has been to Portland and the beautiful drive to the Oregon shore or back to Buffalo to visit family or Hawaii II have made maybe four trips up to Yachats, Oregon and its been a tough and expensive transformation but it is beautiful and we are very proud of the finished product. You can view pictures at www.yachats-vacation-rental.com or at www.vrbo.com/199593
Currently I am doing a 10 day trip to visit the kids at their respective colleges and my parents. Friday I flew to Madison and took Casey and 7 of his hungry friends to a steak dinner. The next day, Casey had made tee times and we had a little mini-scramble tournament. The weather was an unseasonably warm 80 degrees in Madison, Wisconsin and the leaves were just beginning to turn reds and golds. Casey and I lost by a stroke but I had the added handicap of playing with a set of borrowed clubs. Saturday night was a first as I attended the Wisconsin- Penn football game (my first college football game). It was quite the event, the whole city turned out in red, and tailgaters with big screen TVs and satellite dishes. It was a terrible loss for the Badgers but I enjoyed the game and got to hear the antics of the student section.
Casey is doing well in Madison, his business Straight2Your Door is up and running. School is going well and he is graduating in May. Look forward to going back. He is probably spending some of the summer until he has someone to take over the business. It is a beautiful city and I will definitely come visit again and play more golf.
Now I am off to Buffalo, Olean specifically and a visit to my family before flying to Boulder and visiting Marissa for Family Weekend. I will see my second college game next weekend. Counting the days also until I leave on my cruise. I leave for Barcelona on the October 27 and an 11 day cruise (by myself) that ends in Lisbon. But I will continue to blog about my travels and the cruise. Now it is on the family gathering in Olean and some Beef on Wick.
Currently I am doing a 10 day trip to visit the kids at their respective colleges and my parents. Friday I flew to Madison and took Casey and 7 of his hungry friends to a steak dinner. The next day, Casey had made tee times and we had a little mini-scramble tournament. The weather was an unseasonably warm 80 degrees in Madison, Wisconsin and the leaves were just beginning to turn reds and golds. Casey and I lost by a stroke but I had the added handicap of playing with a set of borrowed clubs. Saturday night was a first as I attended the Wisconsin- Penn football game (my first college football game). It was quite the event, the whole city turned out in red, and tailgaters with big screen TVs and satellite dishes. It was a terrible loss for the Badgers but I enjoyed the game and got to hear the antics of the student section.
Casey is doing well in Madison, his business Straight2Your Door is up and running. School is going well and he is graduating in May. Look forward to going back. He is probably spending some of the summer until he has someone to take over the business. It is a beautiful city and I will definitely come visit again and play more golf.
Now I am off to Buffalo, Olean specifically and a visit to my family before flying to Boulder and visiting Marissa for Family Weekend. I will see my second college game next weekend. Counting the days also until I leave on my cruise. I leave for Barcelona on the October 27 and an 11 day cruise (by myself) that ends in Lisbon. But I will continue to blog about my travels and the cruise. Now it is on the family gathering in Olean and some Beef on Wick.
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