Dates and Dating

It has been an incredibly busy time. But I always make sure my life is that way. It is difficult to let your real feelings creep in and affect you when you are so busy you can barely think. So staying busy has been one thing I do very well. Once I decided that I was going to start to "date" I did it will full force and precision. I got excellent professional pictures done. I went on an internet dating site and was going to find that golfer to fill the void. Not to replace Michael or what we had but to fill the emptiness and TV filled evenings. Indeed it was a full time job practically; answering emails, chatting and interviewing on the telephone. A wine date or coffee date? The second or third date has to be on the golf course. The thick skin I developed wasn't thick enough and there was still hurt again. But just opening yourself up to someone...well of course there is hurt.

I filled my time with golf and golf team, Hadassah and looking at real estate. I took a second cruise through the Panama Canal. I had my kids home for the Jewish holidays and everyone was together... then it was springtime. It was then that the Dates and Dating collided. New tears and new sadness emerged like the leaves...what gives here. Shoot I thought I had a good handle on all this..Was is it just spring and the upcoming graduation of my son Casey without his Dad, or another wedding anniversary or just the fact that coming up onto two years since I became a widow and my children have lost their Dad things really aren't any easier. OK maybe I have my routine; but what was novel and different has become tiring and lonely. The part that began with I can be strong and do this on my own has turned to much self doubt. Am I making the right decision? What would Michael have done here? Dates like opening day of baseball season and tax day hit harder this year than last. I remember many people telling me how the second year could be worse than the first. Definitely not what you want to hear as you struggle with your grief the first year. Are these dates worse? Well let's say they are not as easy as I thought they would be now. Does my dating make the dates worse... is that survivors guilt I am having make my dating harder? Is it that dating makes my grief worse as I get close to these anniversary dates? Yes probably all of these things. I have allowed myself to cry more; like I ever stopped...well I did stop for awhile but sure I always allowed myself to feel those things. I just was surprised and didn't quite understand how profound these feeling would be now.

Dates aren't always just sad reminders of the things we suffered through. They are also the reminders of the good things, birthdays, graduations, holidays together at home and yes, dates are also an occasion to meet someone new. To make new friends and work at continuing to move forward. I need to continue to build that new life...a day, a date at a time.