Empty Nest

As I write tonight it is my daughters 18th birthday. It's hard not to think back, to think about what it was like 18 years ago the day our baby girl came into the world, tonight we are separated, she has started college 4 states away.

But I still stutter and stumble along. At times I am confident and feel ready for what is ahead. I went out to dinner alone the other night. I travel, eat out, I got that down. I am counting the days until I leave on a 12 cruise from Barcelona to Lisbon. It will be my first cruise and a solo one a that.

But as with all things it is a few steps forwards and then a few backwards. After getting Marissa settled at college I came home to one migraine after another and ended up in the hospital. My migraines sometimes leave me unable to speak..(I still don't recall that Monday and the ambulance that took me to the hospital) but the independent Mom now had her 23 year old son calling the shots at the hospital. Nick was wonderful and stayed by my side all night, again I am in awe of this adult he has grown into; and shudder at the fact that in an emergency..well now it is my son, my children who are here for me and I am grateful. But it takes some adjusting.


As Mom's we read many articles about empty nest and thought about what it would be like when our last child went off to college. I know Michael and I talked about it quite a bit...but now it has happened and of course like most things it is nothing like you think it will be. Maybe that is one of my biggest realizations; nothing is what you think it will be. It is not Michael and I figuring our future without kids at home; it is Karen designing a new life and none of it is what I thought it would be. But I have learned to take it slower, enjoy it all and don't wait (maybe that is mhy I seem to be rushing around so much) By traveling so much I feel I am escaping the lonliness at home. There has been this path leading up to my daughters departure, its like now the next part begins for me, but what? It's harder than I thought, everyone said time would make it easier...well no, it doesn't. So I look to making plans and reaching out.

Saying good bye

Saying goodbye…I moved my youngest daughter into her college dorm last week. Having done this twice before with my sons and the help of my late husband, I thought I had it down and was prepared. This was a very new and difficult experience. Marissa and I were coming from emotional places.

I was sure I was ready for her to go; she is so independent in many ways and so looking forward to moving on to this next phase. I had practiced these speeches in my mind late at night over and over. I had many wise words of wisdom. But I knew to keep the advice short and sweet, don’t go on too long or you will lose her interest. We had spent over 9 hours together on Thursday. Getting her room set up and making a run to Staples and Bed and Bath for forgotten items. There were so many clothes to put away in such a little room. Mom ,the computer geek set up the printer and the internet for both girls. With her roommate, roommate's parents and two siblings in the room I didn’t get into the goodbye’s and the speeches so rehearsed. Then there was a dorm meeting at 6:30 and I left exhausted leaving our goodbye for the next morning.

But in the end our good-bye was a two minute hug in front of the dorm while exchanging the last minute Target purchases. There was little time for speeches as she was on to a 9am meeting. So much I wanted to tell her and remind her…but I could just repeat how much I loved her and how proud I was of her. I could not get anything else out. She had been such an amazing presence the last few years as her Father was ill. How special she was to her Dad. (and to me!!!) Tears for both of us. As much as I have told myself how excited I was for her, to have this opportunity to experience college away, to grow and experience new things, you thing you are prepared for you are not.

Then the reality hits. I fly home to Los Angeles, I get a sweet appreciative message thanking me for my help after I land…and more tears. I am home and home indeed to a big empty house. Then what seemed like just the next inevitable step of growth for both my daughter and I suddenly seems like a tremendous hurdle. How did I not cherish everyone of those last few days…because neither of us will be the same. I am so very proud of who she is and can’t wait to see her for family weekend in October.

She will adjust to college and I will adjust to the empty nest. Never quite got that phrase...my house has been strangly quiet and lonely for a while.

Well Here Goes

Someone asked me this past weekend what I did for a living and I was stumped. I hesitated for a second and then said, "I think I am retired." You see today was my last day at work, at my job. It was a part time job at that but I had been there seven years, creating the position of oncology nurse educator at weSPARK. I worked 15 years caring for cancer patients as an RN and with Micheal's death from brain cancer last June and all the deaths at work..well it was time to not be needed.
Marissa my 17 year old daughter leaves for college at the University of Colorado Boulder August 19. (Go Buffs) We could go deep into the empty nest stuff if indeed my nest was empty, but it is not. Nick, my oldest is living at home. But things are changing and way to fast for me and not at all as I planned. Back to the decision; the choice to leave now. I mean people asking me most of last year "why are you still working around cancer patients".

After losing Michael, my partner,my husband and suddenly becoming something I had not chosen; a widow, a single woman. I was not ready to give up my identity as a nurse. Something I loved, something I was good at and felt good doing. Now I am at least prepared to try, try and explore and discover who this new person is just as Marissa heads out to discover herself so too will I begin discover.

Maybe I made it out to sound a little too spiritual. The truth is I am going to get Marissa settled at school, travel and play golf and travel some more. The clinical term could be self care but I am learning about this widow thing day by day and ugly month by ugly month and yes I confess I am looking forward to not being needed so much.