Next Steps

Moving along, taking new steps...counting the days until my cruise(25 days). I am taking a cruise. Never been on one and when I got an invitation in the mail from a winery that was having a "fine wine cruise" I was intrigued. Spain, Casablanca, the Canary Islands places I had never been. The next month there was an article in a golf magazine talking about the best golf theme cruises..well the same ship, the same itinerary was mentioned. OK maybe a sign..but this was the one..leaving October 27, Marissa settled into college and yes I am an empty nester. Having something to look forward to has been very helpful and I am sure most of my friends will be glad when I go. They are probably tired of hearing about it.

So as with all of our earlier trips as a family I began planning. Preparing for a trip is half the fun. Researching and working on my golf game..of course and planning the wardrobe. Am I really doing this alone? If I waited to find someone to go where I wanted when I wanted..well seize the day. I almost changed my mind when I realized I would be in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea on election day. But absentee ballot..(please let Obama win) and if the unthinkable happens at least I will have good food and good drink and can drown my sorrows.

But moving along in the second year..I have also ended my membership in a number of online brain tumor support groups. What an amazing thing the internet; the ability to instantly to reach out to others going through the same horrific disease. A place to find answers and understand and learn about treatment. After Micheal's death there were some things I could add to the conversation online but in truth it was hard. Watching the notices of more and more lives lost to this disease. As a nurse I felt guilty not helping more..but it was time to take a step away. Step forward and do more of that self care I had taught to other caregivers.

I attended a fundraiser at UCLA for the Neuro Oncology department and their program for brain cancer research. They are doing so much and I want to be sure that others may get better treatments and will be able to live longer and better. I will work with them in the coming year.

I am rambling a bit as I try to figure my next steps and feel confident and strong. Its lonely and a bit scary at times. I have figured out a few of those steps but having no one to cheer you on, tell you its the right choice or pat you on the back or encourage you.

Empty Nest

As I write tonight it is my daughters 18th birthday. It's hard not to think back, to think about what it was like 18 years ago the day our baby girl came into the world, tonight we are separated, she has started college 4 states away.

But I still stutter and stumble along. At times I am confident and feel ready for what is ahead. I went out to dinner alone the other night. I travel, eat out, I got that down. I am counting the days until I leave on a 12 cruise from Barcelona to Lisbon. It will be my first cruise and a solo one a that.

But as with all things it is a few steps forwards and then a few backwards. After getting Marissa settled at college I came home to one migraine after another and ended up in the hospital. My migraines sometimes leave me unable to speak..(I still don't recall that Monday and the ambulance that took me to the hospital) but the independent Mom now had her 23 year old son calling the shots at the hospital. Nick was wonderful and stayed by my side all night, again I am in awe of this adult he has grown into; and shudder at the fact that in an emergency..well now it is my son, my children who are here for me and I am grateful. But it takes some adjusting.


As Mom's we read many articles about empty nest and thought about what it would be like when our last child went off to college. I know Michael and I talked about it quite a bit...but now it has happened and of course like most things it is nothing like you think it will be. Maybe that is one of my biggest realizations; nothing is what you think it will be. It is not Michael and I figuring our future without kids at home; it is Karen designing a new life and none of it is what I thought it would be. But I have learned to take it slower, enjoy it all and don't wait (maybe that is mhy I seem to be rushing around so much) By traveling so much I feel I am escaping the lonliness at home. There has been this path leading up to my daughters departure, its like now the next part begins for me, but what? It's harder than I thought, everyone said time would make it easier...well no, it doesn't. So I look to making plans and reaching out.

Newspapers and Tears

People like to tell you there will always be something of your beloved spouse in you. OK maybe I have even told the children that many times but sometimes it surprises you what that little something is and how little it takes to set off the tears. How can bringing in the newspaper bring you to tears?

Last night was Barack Obama's historic speech. What an amazing, moving moment. For some reason the LA Times wasn't delivered this morning. So after the phone callto customer service it arrived within 30 minutes (great customer service..I guess they need to in this market; do I get it delivered to my door or to my Kindle) But it was when I brought it in, saw the headline that the tears started. Michael had a habit of saving all the newspapers from historic events. Not one of my favorite things..I imagined our kids cleaning out the house one day and digging through rooms and rooms of yellowed old newspapers as they explained, "why did they save all this sh-t!"

Sure I cried and missed him terribly as I moved our baby girl into college. But he was the guy that cried at AT&T commericials, he would have so loved this election and now throw in an Alaskan as the Republican VP, oh my. (Michael started in Alaskan politics before I knew him) I realize how much I miss him now. There are just too many things I miss sharing. That's what it is, the middle of this journey. I feel like there are still too many new experiences, just when you think after 15 months there can't be too many more firsts. You realize oh dear some of the seconds and thirds will hurt too. I can be very brave and talk about all I am doing, and going and planning. But there are times like bring a really cool newspaper in that you just wish you weren't alone.

Saying good bye

Saying goodbye…I moved my youngest daughter into her college dorm last week. Having done this twice before with my sons and the help of my late husband, I thought I had it down and was prepared. This was a very new and difficult experience. Marissa and I were coming from emotional places.

I was sure I was ready for her to go; she is so independent in many ways and so looking forward to moving on to this next phase. I had practiced these speeches in my mind late at night over and over. I had many wise words of wisdom. But I knew to keep the advice short and sweet, don’t go on too long or you will lose her interest. We had spent over 9 hours together on Thursday. Getting her room set up and making a run to Staples and Bed and Bath for forgotten items. There were so many clothes to put away in such a little room. Mom ,the computer geek set up the printer and the internet for both girls. With her roommate, roommate's parents and two siblings in the room I didn’t get into the goodbye’s and the speeches so rehearsed. Then there was a dorm meeting at 6:30 and I left exhausted leaving our goodbye for the next morning.

But in the end our good-bye was a two minute hug in front of the dorm while exchanging the last minute Target purchases. There was little time for speeches as she was on to a 9am meeting. So much I wanted to tell her and remind her…but I could just repeat how much I loved her and how proud I was of her. I could not get anything else out. She had been such an amazing presence the last few years as her Father was ill. How special she was to her Dad. (and to me!!!) Tears for both of us. As much as I have told myself how excited I was for her, to have this opportunity to experience college away, to grow and experience new things, you thing you are prepared for you are not.

Then the reality hits. I fly home to Los Angeles, I get a sweet appreciative message thanking me for my help after I land…and more tears. I am home and home indeed to a big empty house. Then what seemed like just the next inevitable step of growth for both my daughter and I suddenly seems like a tremendous hurdle. How did I not cherish everyone of those last few days…because neither of us will be the same. I am so very proud of who she is and can’t wait to see her for family weekend in October.

She will adjust to college and I will adjust to the empty nest. Never quite got that phrase...my house has been strangly quiet and lonely for a while.

Taking a Hobby

One of the problems with taking up a hobby full time as a widow is that you use it to fill this huge void in your life. Now if this passion is golf then it will take up all your time...which is good because it cuts very much into shopping and retail therapy that had taken up most of last year. We won't go right now into how much you can actually spend and shop on golf equipment and how important the right club (read new clubs are to your game) and of course the whole emotional importance of looking good. Very, very important if you are not playing well to indeed look very sharp and pulled together. But if you know of someone who plays than you have some idea of the depth of the mess I have gotten myself into. I have tried to explain my passion a few times to people who haven't played or "gotten" golf and it is hard . Bear with me here. Sure the courses are beautiful and nature surrounds you everywhere...including coyotes and hawks. Every hole is an individual challenge and even playing the same course every week is different. Different conditions, you land the ball different places it is always new. It is something Michael and I shared a love for, something that was ours that I can still do. But if you haven't played and understood it..how do you explain to someone coming back to a game that has brought you to tears. Shooting, that's scoring the best game of your life then coming out the next time and feeling like you had never hit a ball before. Golf is very frustrating like that...you know you can do it, you know you did it before, just not today.

Where I need to start saving for sports therapy here is that fact that this is my life now...this is where I have invested my time and expectations for myself. It is too easy for my day to day happiness to ride on the flight of a little white ball. Or even more painfully the lip out of a putt, over and over again. As my athletic kids say, "Mom how can you practice so much and not get any better?" Why do I do that to myself, let my joy ride on the numbers on a score card. Well, accepting you have a problem is half the battle so I am trying go with the flow more trying not to take it to heart. You would think that after 10 plus years playing I would get the part about letting go ...let go of the bad and allow the good, enjoy the good shots even when there are less of them. Yes, I know I have a problem , I have way too many pairs of golf shoes and I am way too hard on myself.

Oh and for the record I have lowered my handicap 5 strokes since last spring...something is working. Anyone ready? A dollar a hole?

Introductions

A Party...I went to a birthday party, I knew just the host and hostess. Another first and a trial run for my upcoming solo cruise in October. Here I was with a house full of people who really didn't know who I was or the answer to that ever popular question"what do you do". Of course at something like this it is more like how do you know the host? I could easily define my self as Maya's godmother and explain how I knew the birthday boy (her Dad). But it was the further discussions and those pesky pronouns that kept getting in the way. As a new widow you find yourself stumbling over words like "our" and "my" when talking about your children and "we " when there is no more we. But how do you stop and explain all that. It feels so unnatural. When you have first met someone ...it does bring things to a complete halt when you mention that you are a widow, now all of a sudden they are feeling sorry for you and of course there is another death they want to talk about and soon you are just talking about death or cancer or how terribly sad my life is...have another glass of wine.

It is like I am in a play..I am watching it from someplace else and I need to rehearse these lines. The lines I need to give when I am alone or solo. Lines about me, what I am doing and where I am going. There is this new life unfolding and in it I am indeed someone new. A new person, a solo person...solo for some reason seems better than single, more mature and respectable. Swinging singles, hot singles...solo that's me, alone and solo.

How Does That Happen

As I continue to figure out the mechanics of this blog ..note photo of kids added later than post..I thought I would write a bit about Nick, Casey and Marissa. I know I am blessed and believe me if I knew what Michael and I did right in parenting I would write on how to turn out nice kids. They are terrific. But what I am adjusting to right now; on top of all else is the way you turn around one day and these grown people are suddenly standing in front of you. What a shock it is.

Nick just a few months out of college after losing his Dad is heading out to work in a suit and tie. (After picking out all of Dad's very best ties.) He's calling on his way home from work and doing grocery shopping and changing light bulbs with out anyone asking. Recently after a commercial was shot here and some damage was caused..Nick was all over the discussions to get things right. Making calls, and making his expectations well know in a highly professional way. This from the kid who would call from college and start the conversation with "Mom I don't know how to tell you this" was it a ticket, a car accident, or a failing grade??? Now he is telling me what I should do and he is usually right!!

Casey, who'll be a senior at University of Wisconsin this year, started a restaurant food delivery business last year at school. He just left on a business trip today as he discusses a merger with a guy who owns 3 or 4 of these and now wants Casey's. Not bad for a sociology major. He stands 2 heads taller than me and never forgets to thank me or kiss me goodbye. He's kind and sensitive and so very articulate. They really are both men now...though I can't stop calling them my kids.

Marissa well she is not Daddy's little girl anymore at all. As she head off to college in just 3 short weeks I marvel at how independent she is and at the same time so connected to home and family. What these last few years has done to change her..more good than bad.

Then there is the first time you see them holding hands with someone of the opposite sex, the dating and mating thing ...it's the double take and the realization that they aren't those little smiling little kids in the backyard photos. (well neither am I am that young Mom) They have their own lives now, a little more each day.

Marissa, Nick and Casey in Maui June 2008

Before and Now

Quite a few months ago when I mentioned to a friend that I had gone out on a week night to a political lecture she commented on how she wished she could do that. But her husband wanted/needed her home each night. When I replied that this was not not something I probably would have done when Michael was alive either, her response was "well isn't that a good thing about him dying?" I have to admit there are many things I might be doing now that I didn't do before June 23, 2007, but putting the words good and Michael dying in one sentence is just too much for me. But as I go back or rather as I look forward on the coming months and years I do indeed look at the list of things I am doing that I would not have done had Michael been still here.

I just returned from a 2 day golf tournament in North San Diego, I spent two nights away in the middle of the week. My life is kind of divided into those things I do now because I can choose to do them,

overnight golf trips
political lectures
remodeling the upstairs
traveling
remodeling Oregon Beach House
volunteering on Hadassah Committees
letting the dog on the bed and in the pool

and things I do now because I am alone

fall asleep with the TV on
skip meals
avoid romantic movies/books/plays
sleep in the middle of the bed
talk to myself
worry about my decisions
sign up for focus groups
get out of bed at the crack of dawn



not that women who aren't widows don't do these things or that I didn't do some of them before...I just do them all more now. There seems to be this line that divides everything. A sort of before and now. Even more difficult is that creeping sensation that there is enjoyment is one of those things. There is still the guilt of enjoying. I imagine it will be quite some time before it goes.

Well Here Goes

Someone asked me this past weekend what I did for a living and I was stumped. I hesitated for a second and then said, "I think I am retired." You see today was my last day at work, at my job. It was a part time job at that but I had been there seven years, creating the position of oncology nurse educator at weSPARK. I worked 15 years caring for cancer patients as an RN and with Micheal's death from brain cancer last June and all the deaths at work..well it was time to not be needed.
Marissa my 17 year old daughter leaves for college at the University of Colorado Boulder August 19. (Go Buffs) We could go deep into the empty nest stuff if indeed my nest was empty, but it is not. Nick, my oldest is living at home. But things are changing and way to fast for me and not at all as I planned. Back to the decision; the choice to leave now. I mean people asking me most of last year "why are you still working around cancer patients".

After losing Michael, my partner,my husband and suddenly becoming something I had not chosen; a widow, a single woman. I was not ready to give up my identity as a nurse. Something I loved, something I was good at and felt good doing. Now I am at least prepared to try, try and explore and discover who this new person is just as Marissa heads out to discover herself so too will I begin discover.

Maybe I made it out to sound a little too spiritual. The truth is I am going to get Marissa settled at school, travel and play golf and travel some more. The clinical term could be self care but I am learning about this widow thing day by day and ugly month by ugly month and yes I confess I am looking forward to not being needed so much.